Helpful Tips for Navigating TWEEN-Damonium
This year at GUS, we have been working hard to help guide our families through what we are calling The InbeTWEEN - the messy and unpredictable early teen years between fourth and eighth grade that are notoriously challenging for parents to navigate. The good news is that we have many experts on the subject here at GUS, and we’ve got some sound pointers for surviving this tricky time. The bad news is that the only ‘normal’ thing about being a tween is that everything feels (as your tween might say) ‘sus’, and we mean EVERYTHING.
Understanding that the most consistent part of adolescence is that there IS no consistency takes some time to digest. My guess is that you already have an inkling that this is the case, but it’s a hard reality to accept. Of course, we all want the ‘magic bullet,’ the holy grail, the golden ticket of answers. We want the WebMD-style diagnosis for why middle school proves so challenging for our children (and for us!). Unfortunately, I don’t have a magic bullet for you. No matter where your child goes to school, TWEEN-damonium will always be TWEEN-damonium. The right school is going to hold your hand through it, be your eyes and ears, and understand that you know your child best. And the good thing? Here at GUS, we do just that. We’re here, as the experts, to guide you (and your children), to work with you in partnership, and to honor each of your children individually as they test their limits - personally, socially, academically, and beyond!
In an effort to establish a formula for something as non-formulaic as TWEENing, I would like to provide you with the following takeaways from our gathering in early December that we hope will make navigating this tricky time in your child’s growth a little less daunting.
Tweens are like cats - they will hiss, they will scratch, and then they will want to cuddle. Don’t be mad at them for hissing and scratching, be glad they still want to cuddle.
‘Scratch’ that (see what I did there?) Your children are actually puppies who think they are cats. This is true in so many ways. The cat in them thinks they are smarter than you. They are not. They want to be ‘grown up,’ but they still trip over their own paws. You know more than they do, even if they trick you into thinking otherwise, and most of all, they still need their parents!
PS - Not every puppy has their own chew toy (I mean phone!). They may tell you this, but it is a lie, a ploy, a last-ditch effort to get the phone. Do not believe everything they tell you when they come home, and we will not believe everything they tell us about your cooking.
Do not be afraid to let your child fail. Embrace their courage (and yours for watching from the sidelines while you are crying on the inside). It is okay to worry. Just try to share those worries with YOUR support network, and NOT with them and theirs.
They need a routine and vigilance. They say they don’t, but they do. This means consequences, schedules, knowing what they are up to when they do start texting, etc. And, most importantly, if you provide structure at home as we do at GUS (through morning circle, class expectations, and constant reminders of community throughout our curriculum), they will recognize the strength of our partnership – and they will feel safer for it. You are not invading their privacy when you look through their texts and social media, you are teaching the do’s and don’t of navigating social media just as you taught them how to say “please” and “thank you” as toddlers.
They are watching everything you do. Remember how they like to pretend that they don’t like you? Yup, another lie. So, when you are acting nervous because they are nervous, you are telling them they are right to be nervous. When you are on your phone doom scrolling to disengage and zone out, they will do the same thing for the same reasons when they have a device. Alternatively, when you leave your phone at the charger, hutch, or designated location during dinner so you can talk with them, hear them, and show them they deserve your time, they will do the same. It will be awesome, but it takes conscious effort EVERY SINGLE DAY. Helping your children to establish those habits in life STARTS TODAY. In other words, when you want them to watch you, it feels like they aren’t, and when you don’t want them to, they are STARING. Cats. Just…like…cats.
Find your “love language”. I choose humor as a vessel for making my children comfortable talking to me. You may choose “Nothing you say will surprise me (on the outside…remember….game face people!).” Another parent may choose “guaranteed listener, not problem solver.” What kind of child do you have? What do they need you to be so that you can anchor them? What makes THEM feel safe in times of uncertainty? That might be the closest thing you will have to a “magic bullet” in this whole complicated dance.
So, I challenge you to consider this…your child is to you, at this point in time, as you are to GUS. They need to be able to trust in your unwavering and steady assurance that it will all be okay, no matter how messy it feels. We need you to trust the team at GUS through YOUR most nervous moments as you do all the aforementioned things. We cannot make the difficulty of these times go away. No school can. What we CAN do, and we pride ourselves in doing well here at GUS, is to partner with you so that you can face the TWEEN years feeling less alone, but significantly more confident that you are doing everything you need to be doing to soften the experience for your child.